GOD IT'S FORT KNOX

Is There Anybody There

Toddy stepped forward two paces and rapped on the door twice, then paused then rapped twice again.
"What sort of a ruddy knock is that?" asked Parky, "it's not the secret service ya know, it's not a blinking code".
"I always do it that way, always have" Toddy replied.
A voice came from the other-side of the door, "I'm coming, wait a mo" Mrs. Jones shouted.
"Well at least we know she's in then" Parky noted, "I'm sick of goin to ruddy empty houses, you think they would be in after they phoned us wouldn't ya" he added.
"Won't be a minute, just wait" Mrs. Jones continued to shout. Mrs. Jones continued to shout but never seems to get any closer to the door.
They could hear her footsteps and Toddy began to wonder just how long the hallway was.
"Won't be long now, takes us old timers a while you know, we can't run" Mrs. Jones shouted yet again.
"Flippin 'eck she must have a hall as long as the Blackpool golden mile" Parky told Toddy jokingly.
"Who is it?" she asked.
"It's Pc parker and Pc Todd , Prestwich police" Parky replied.
"Hang on then, I'll just undo the bolts" she replied.
"Ruddy 'ell its like tryin to contact the flippin dead this is, is there anybody there? he jokingly said to Toddy.
Clunk sounded the first bolt, clunk a second bolt was released. "Who is it again?" she asked.
"Pc parker and Pc Todd Mrs. Jones" replied Parky.
" OH that's right, im afraid my memory isn't as good as it was," she replied. clunk a third bolt was pulled back.
"Ruddy 'ell it's Fort Knox !" Parky said, "what's she got in there?". Parky turned to face toddy and said quietly " trust us to be lumbered with some old daft bat, no wonder we were given this job, just you wait till i get back at the sta......"
Before he could finish the sentence the door finally opened, just a shade at first then a little more squeaking as it did so, the top half of a little old ladies face peeped out at the side of the door.
!"I heard that!" she said " an old bat am i?" she asked.
"No no i was just telling me old mucker 'ere that this last old HAT needed replacing" Parky replied quickly mopping his brow nervously, " it's gettin a bit withered".
"It's not the only thing that's withered either is it" she replied quickly.
"What's that supposed to mean ?" Parky asked.
"Well never mind that what you doing here" she darted at him.
"You reported seeing a prowler" Parky responded.
"OH yes come on in, wipe your feet" she told them.
Parky took the first step towards the hallway looking behind at the door at the number of bolts on it, "ruddy 'ell there's more bolts than door there" he quipped to Toddy who just nodded silently. She escorted them though the dark hallway into the main sitting room.
"I thought you had the crown jewels in 'ere with all them locks" Parky joked.
"I'm on my own and have to be careful" she replied.
"Aye a very wise precaution" Parky noted.
"Sit down" she told them while pointing at the two chairs near to the fireplace.
Parky and Toddy sat down taking stock of the room.
"i suppose you want a drink to keep the cold out do you?" she asked them. Parky couldn't get his words out quick enough.
"Aye it is a little Parky out there this morning" he told her chortling to himself at the Parky pun.
"I've got some nice cake...and for the lad some milk" she replied.
"ohh that will do nicely" Parky answered her.
"And for you.... how about some Adams Ale?" she asked him.
Parky looked a little puzzled, he had not heard of that make of beer before, maybe it's homemade or something just come in from Trafford Docks.
"Aye just the ticket" he said turning to Toddy who was busy shaking his head at the thought of Parky drinking on duty and so early in the morning.
"Just to keep the chill out" he whispered to Toddy winking as he did so.
"The lad?" Toddy asked Parky, "I'm 18!.
"Shush, you're a lad to her , no shut up or we might not get any cake" Parky snapped.
Mrs. Jones then went into the kitchen, Toddy looked round the room, it had seen better days that was for sure, no doubt the lack of money, materials and workforce over the war years had led to its decline. Wallpaper had started to peel off the walls, paintwork was chipped and dirty, the furniture was very old and most really needed putting on the fire and burning. The chairs were really sagging just where you needed the support most and Toddy couldn't help wondering just how long she had been living like this.
Mrs. Jones returned from the kitchen with a glass of milk for Toddy which he handed to him with her left hand and a nice jam Swiss roll which she duly placed on the small table facing him.
"I'll just get you yours" she told Parky.
She re-entered the room with Parky's drink..
"I've put it in my ex husband tankard" she told him and passed it to Parky who received it with a twinkle in his eye.
Eee aye that's just the job" Parky said with a grin on his face.
Parky turned to Toddy and told him, "I'll do the talkin, you do the writing" knowing full well that Toddy couldn't eat cake and write without getting jam on the pages of his notebook.
Parky then settled down to begin his interview. taking the tankard with his right hand, or his drinking hand as he called it and then slowly lifting it up to his lips. As the liquid touched his lips the expression on his face changed from glee to complete confusion. He swallowed the first gulp and then licked his lips for confirmation of what his brain was telling him, then just to make sure he took another swig.
He looked across at Mrs. Jones who by now was moving wool and needles she had been using off the spare chair to sit down. He glanced over to Toddy who was busy marking out the basic titles in his notebook before the interview started. Parky slowly replaced the tankard onto the table and learned over to look inside while no one was watching.
"Water!" he muttered.
"You mean you didn't know" she asked "a man of the world like you".
"Well i....)
"You don't think they had beer in the Garden of Eden did you?" she asked. "Adam and Eve only had water, what did you expect at this time of a morning?"
"Oh well aye i knew all along" Parky joked "was just 'aving the lad on ya know".
"I wont have any of that "stuff" in my house" she added, "The good book has never let me down".
Toddy was trying to hide his laughter with his hand over his mouth but not having much success, Parky had been out witted by this old lady and caught him on the hop.
"An you can shut up too and start writing" Parky snapped at Toddy
He then turned to Mrs. Jones to try and change the subject.
"Now about this intruder?" Parky asked her
"oh yes well it was like this...." she started.


to be continued...next week


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